This reflection is excerpted from the book, Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture, chapter 4 – “A Thriving Family Discovers a Common Story”
I’m a sucker for a good story. Actually, sucker doesn’t quite capture it. I use stories to make sense of life: made-up stories, factual stories and stories that are utterly true without having actually happened. I’m convinced that storytelling is one of the key things that makes us human and allows us to create a shared humanity. This means stories are incredibly powerful.
The stories we tell ourselves shape how we interact with the world and how we approach the challenges and opportunities in our lives. We all tell ourselves both true and false stories about our place in the world. Learning to differentiate between the true and false narratives enables us to engage God and find our true selves.
Having false narratives is part of being human. We struggle with anxiety, fear, envy, perfectionism, anger, etc., because these are human responses to the uncertainty of being alive. However, when these responses go unchecked, they become part of a story we tell ourselves that keeps us from growing and living more fully in the kingdom of God.
It’s a lot of work to change the narrative you tell yourself. It takes effort just to identify what that narrative is. Growing up, we were taught to start this process by understanding the biggest, truest things about our story. We were given opportunities from a very young age to process and discuss the larger story of God and Jesus as told in the Bible. As a family, we read Scripture together at least three or four times a week. We were encouraged to ask questions and to share our interpretation of the message being communicated.
Our parents attempted to present us with what they believed to be the most important truths about the story of God’s relationship with humans: that we’re deeply and unconditionally loved, that Jesus shows us a better way of being, that we’re called to love others unconditionally as we’re loved, etc. They also encouraged us to discuss these truths and the passages that contained them. Which gave us ownership of our personal beliefs and allowed us to build an ever-growing concept of our independent spirituality.
As an adult, I don’t think I fully understand how grounding it has been to find myself in the larger context of the grand story of God’s relationship with humanity. It gives me a sort of baseline context for who I am and provides a reference for understanding when I’m struggling with a false narrative. It’s helpful to confront those false narratives by asking, “How is this way of thinking preventing me from living into the larger, truer story?”
Hailey Joy Scandrette is Founder and Editor in Chief of Ignighted Magazine, an online magazine and community of people ages 18-30 seeking to follow the teachings and actions of Jesus through incarnational living. She is also the daughter of Mark and Lisa Scandrette, authors of Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture. This piece is excerpted from the book (pp. 101-103) in the chapter, “A Thriving Family Discovers a Common Story”.
“My granddaddy always said, if you got a problem you can’t solve, it helps to get it out of your head. Pie, it’s good.” These words from Men in Black III caught me off guard. But when I stepped back I realized it’s really a great lesson for us Jesus Followers. Watch the clip then check out my comments below.
Don’t you just love J’s response, “…you know, we’ve been doing smart stuff. We’ve been following clues, doing real police work… it might be time we do something stupid, somethin’ that ain’t got nothin’ to do with nothin’. You know what K, now I want some pie!”
So often our spiritual growth and creativity is stymied precisely because we’ve spent too much time focusing on “the problem”. We need to set it aside and get away. We need to eat some pie!
As K and J are at the diner eating pie, J is agitated. “World class serial killer out there, and we’re having pie!”
“I sense you’re not embracing the concept here” K responds. “Pie don’t work unless you let it.”
It’s a funny line, but how often have I gone on “retreat” only to take all my problems with me and stew over them the whole time I’m away. It’s like I’ve never heard Jesus’ words:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Mt. 11:28-30
Just like pie, retreats, whether extended and away from home, or mini-retreats right where you are, don’t work unless you let them. Too often I’m like the young ox yoked to the mature lead ox. Instead of letting the mature ox carry the weight and let me follow him through the fields, I plunge ahead attempting to lead the way and, as a result, end up pulling his weight and mine until I crash into a heap of exhaustion. Can you relate to that?
I know my tendency is to go, go, go. It’s difficult for me to stop. In fact, it feels “stupid” to stop and do nothing – eat some pie, rest. How will I get everything done if I don’t keep going? Consistent with God’s upside-down Kingdom, forward progress, whether spiritual or on a particular project, requires us to rest.
I rarely solve problems by banging my head against them without a break. In fact, most often breakthrough comes as I let it all go and I’m drifting off to sleep, soaking up the warmth of a morning shower, or outside plunging my hands into garden soil. Like stopping to eat some pie, disengaging from the issue often frees my mind to rest, allowing new insights and creativity to emerge.
There’s a reason God didn’t suggest, but rather commanded, we take a day of rest each week. Our souls need it. Our bodies need it. And if we’re honest, we realize our communities, our churches, our involvements all need us to rest.
During this season of Epiphany, I find the simple reminder to rest a powerful invitation from God. Soon we’ll be transitioning from Epiphany to Lent, a season more noted for times of rest and reflection. Why not begin now? Why not enter into God’s rest today, allowing Jesus to carry the burden of the yoke across our backs? Simply recognizing our need and God’s invitation may be the greatest epiphany of the season.
Will you join me?
A couple of weeks ago I posted this prayer in my Monday Meditation Sit Still, Breathe Deeply.
Since then I have spent much of my time getting a new writing project on creative spirituality underway. One thing my life coach suggested is that I reward my weekly progress with a fun project that energizes and renews me. Last week that project was expanding my prayer and putting it into a video meditation which I have enjoyed using throughout the week.
I hope you enjoy it too. I suggest that you sit still, close your eyes and allow the sound of the words and the running water in the background to sooth your spirit.
I deliberately did not include the words on this video as it is intended to encourage us to relax into the presence of God, something which is more challenging when we read along as our focus is on the words rather than on God.
However for those who want to use the meditation as a focus for more prolonged meditation here is the text:
Sit still, breathe deeply,
Inhale the eternal breath.
Imagine it rushing into your lungs.
Absorb it into your bloodstream,
Allow it to course through your entire being.
Through the life giving heartbeat of God,
See it infused into every cell in your body.
Sit still, breathe deeply,
Plant your feet firmly
On the earth beneath your feet.
The earth from which you are made,
Uniquely shaped by your Master’s hands.
The earth, this rich and fertile gift from God,
For which we are responsible, caretakers, preservers,
Stewards of God’s good creation.
The earth, beginning and end of all life,
The place to which we will return,
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
Sit still, breathe deeply,
Lift your hands towards heaven,
Sense the eternal presence,
Above, beneath, behind, before.
Let God’s holy love flow through you,
Filling your heart,
Nourishing your soul,
Renewing your spirit.
Sit still, breathe deeply,
Calm your spirit.
Listen in the silence
To the gentle whisper of God’s voice
Let it call you
To inner wholeness and outer response.
Let it equip you with footsteps of peace,
Love, compassion caring, generosity and justice.
Sit still, breathe deeply,
Let the ever present, everlasting, never failing One
Abide in you
Amen.
If you are interested in breath prayers you may enjoy this series of breath prayer cards too.
Its time to get ready for Lent. It begins with the celebration of Ash Wednesday on March 1st and ends with Maundy Thursday April 13th. Last week I updated all our Lent, Holy Week and Easter resource lists, reread some of my posts from previous Lenten celebrations and started to think about what I want to do for Lent this year.
Lent is often seen as a season of giving up. It is easy to focus on the negative rather than the positive during this season. I am convinced however that giving up is not meant to be an exercise in self denial, rather it is about transformation. We give up so that something new can be birthed in us.
In The Book of Joy, written by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu in conjunction with Douglas Abrams it says: the three factors that seem to have the greatest influence on our happiness are our ability to reframe our situation more positively, our ability to experience gratitude, and our choice to be kind and generous. (The Book of Joy 49) I think this is a great place for us to start as we shape our Lenten practices. How can we focus on the positive and not the negative? How do we express gratitude? and how does that overflow in kind and generous actions?
What would you like to give birth to?
So this year I challenge you to start Lent early:
1. Set aside time during the month of February to reflect on what new, positive things you want to see birthed in you by Easter this year.
2. Make a list of up to six places or attitudes you would like to see transformed this year – one for each week of Lent and one for Holy week. If you feel six is too overwhelming choose one, two or three areas of transformation.
My list is:
Fear into love
Despair into hope
Mourning into joy
Hate into compassion
Oppression into justice
Death into life.
2. Get or make yourself a Lenten journal to record your journey over these weeks. I am planning to make one this year as part of my preLenten reflection and focusing time and will share about the process next week. I will probably also put together another Lenten garden to remind me of my commitments throughout the week.
3. Shape a Lenten practice that provides one activity each day to move you forward in your journey towards wholeness.
4. Create a schedule for your reflection time during Lent. I am really finding that the practice of tracking what I do every day is very helpful in providing work/life balance and not allowing myself to become overloaded. Make sure your schedule incorporates all the daily and weekly commitments you already have. How does it make you feel – excited, inspired, overwhelmed?
A Lenten Challenge – Will You Join Me?
Here is the process that I am planning for the season. It was inspired by my recent post A Glimpse of Hope. It might change as I continue to reflect, create my journal and bring together the other items I need to see it happen but I feel it is a good starting point.
- Sunday – reflect on my words for the week. Linger in silence, savouring the word and listening for a sense of God’s presence in this word.
- Monday – do a word search on Biblegateway.com on what I want to see birthed – love, hope, joy, compassion, justice, life. Write down the descriptive words and phrases that most resonate with me.
- Tuesday – reread the words and phrases I have written down. Linger once more in the silence and allow God to speak to me about this word. What images, prayers or poetry bubble up from your heart? Start to shape a picture in images or words, a prayer of a poem from these words.
- Wednesday – Reread what I wrote on Tuesday, sit once more in the presence of God and allow the prayer/poem/image to more fully take shape.
- Thursday – Time to take action. Love, hope, joy, compassion, justice, life are not just feelings they are actions. What is one way today I can be more loving, hope-filling, joy providing, compassion showing, justice bringing, life giving to those who live in our household?
- Friday – Time to take action in my community. What is one way today I can be more loving, hope-filling, joy providing, compassion showing, justice bringing, life giving to those who live in in my neighbourhood?
- Saturday – Time to take action in our world. What is one way today I can be more loving, hope-filling, joy providing, compassion showing, justice bringing, life giving to those who live in our global community?
Create Your Own Unique Process
This is not about following a process that I have put together. The rebirthing of God’s presence within us comes not primarily from the instructions of others but from our own unveiling of that presence already hidden deep within us. So as you put your own Lenten process together consider some of this very good advice I have received from my life coach Myrna Hill:
- Follow your heart. Create a process that is unique for you, uses your God inspired talents and reflects where you are at in your faith journey.
- Have some fun. Create an enjoyable process that inspires you each day with a desire to draw close to God. Plan some fun things to do in relationship to your themes – colouring, doodling, gardening, walking labyrinths, playing with your kids may be some of the ways that you stir your creativity and inspire yourself to move into a more intimate place with God and out into the world that God loves.
- Take away the pressure of performance. This is not about who can be the most transformed or do the most good deeds during Lent. It is about allowing God to move us at God’s pace into newness and wholeness.
- Let your “shoulds” become “coulds”. So many of us live with the guilt of “I should have done this…” and lay unnecessary burdens on ourselves. In the process we often miss the sense of satisfaction in what we did do. “I am grateful I could do…. “
What is your response?
Will you join me on this journey towards the rebirthing of Easter? Prayerfully consider ways in which God would like to see you transformed during this season. Take time to develop your own process. Allow God to change you. And please share your journey with us – either as a comment here, in our Facebook group, on instagram, or on twitter.
Watch the video below and use it as a focus to consider Why do you need lent this year?
The Wind is howling outside.
Does it frighten you, or invigorate you?
It blows for a reason.
Change is in the air.
To many it is uncomfortable and unsettling.
This change that comes unbidden.
To others it signals freedom;
an energy that confirms our personal desires.
This flow must be God!
Yes, it is certainly God;
but God comes to each so differently,
focusing in on our suffering.
Life brings suffering to all.
That is not meant as a threat
Instead it brings God’s grace.
That is hard to hear.
Does anyone like to reveal their insecurity?
Who wants to admit ignorance?
But ignorance keeps us stuck.
Ignorance chains us to what we know;
a safety that denies awareness.
What we think we want ..
what we convince ourselves is right
often comes as ego masked.
Is it really for others?
Does our insistence for justice speak universally?
Is it inclusive or exclusive?
The Wind is howling outside.
Does it frighten you, or invigorate you?
It blows for a reason.
It stirs us to question.
Is our motivation a mere mob mentality?
Safety we find in numbers?
Or does it speak internally?
Does it lure us to personal transformation
where true change must begin?
Information does not mean wisdom.
Sometimes the questions simply can’t be answered.
Sometimes things cannot be fixed.
Sometimes there is no certainty.
Is Heaven’s Hound nipping at our heels?
It all begins with faith.
True faith is not naivety.
It is not a denial of reality.
It is our hope’s precursor.
Can we remove our masks?
Can ego acquiesce to the greater good?
Do we dare accept grace?
Grace – a blessing often denied.
Grace – a blessing we cannot earn or merit.
Grace – to weather any storm.
Perhaps the Wind brings storm.
Perhaps it’s time – perhaps we’re now ready.
The Hound relentlessly prompt us.
The Wind is howling outside.
Does it frighten you, or invigorate you?
It blows for a reason.
Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture is the book many have been waiting for. Had it been around when we were starting our family 24 years ago, it would easily have been #1 on my list. That’s a huge endorsement coming from me, since I find most books on family and relationships filled with stereotypes and formulas. Here’s what’s different about Mark and Lisa Scandrette’s newest book:
It’s well written. From the very beginning they capture your attention with stories that draw you in. Then, weaving story, concept, reflection and action steps into each chapter, Mark and Lisa reinforce their main points in clear, simple terms.
It’s not “one size fits all”. This is not a recipe book telling you how much of each ingredient you need and precisely how to cook it. Mark and Lisa do share what they believe are key elements to a thriving family, but they do it in a way that gives maximum freedom to explore as a family what, and how much, of each element works best for you.
It’s Christ-centered with room for your family. At the center of this book is a chapter about our common story. As a family, whether traditional, single parent, blended, or other, we have a common story. We can choose to either intentionally write it together, or allow others to write it for us. Family faith formation is discovering our story within God’s larger story, then learning to walk faithfully together with Christ into the stories of our neighborhood and world.
It’s a rich tool chest you’ll come back to over and over again. I love how this book pulls to the surface critical aspects of our lives as family. Each chapter provides concrete ways your family can unpack the key concept, explore it as a family, a couple, and individually, and then reassemble it in a way the fits the uniqueness of your family. The tools and questions Mark and Lisa provide are what make this book so unique. They don’t just theorize, they give you practical actions so that you can make real changes that last.
It will not only enrich your family life, it might just draw families together for a stronger community. Not only does each chapter provide a helpful summary along with the activities, but at the end of the book is a group learning guide. Why go it alone as a family when you can bring others with you? The group section is set up so that leading the group is simple yet encourages vulnerability and discussion. You can download the guide here and see just how helpful it is!
Mark and Lisa are courageous! Each chapter of this book includes a reflection from their daughter, Hailey. If I were writing a book about family I’m not sure I’d want my kids to make comments in each chapter. I’m just not that brave. Hailey makes the book even more personal and demonstrates her parents’ integrity in living out the overall message.
No, they are not the “perfect family”, and I’m sure they would all be quick to tell you that. But they are a family that cares deeply about one another because they’ve taken the time to be with, and belong to, one another. This “belonging and becoming” is really at the heart of what it means to be family and what it means to “create a thriving family culture”.
As a family, we’ve done pretty well. Still, I wish this book of wisdom and very practical guidance was around when we began our family nearly 25 years ago. In fact, to have read this book at the start of our marriage 32 years ago would have helped us in our pre-child years to lay a solid foundation on which to build our family.
Mark and Lisa Scandrette are co founders of ReIMAGINE: A Center for Integral Christian Practice. They lead an annual series of retreats, workshops and projects designed to help participants apply spiritual wisdom to everyday life. For twenty five years they have devoted themselves to creating community, offering hospitality, and inviting transformation in at risk neighborhoods. They live in the Mission District of San Francisco and have three young adult children. Mark is also the author of Practicing the Way of Jesus and together they are coauthors of the book, FREE: Spending Your Time and Money on What Matters Most.
Coming to Seattle and Portland, OR: Feb. 26-March 4. Locations and details coming soon.
As an Amazon Associate, I receive a small amount for purchases made through appropriate links.
Thank you for supporting Godspace in this way.
When referencing or quoting Godspace Light, please be sure to include the Author (Christine Sine unless otherwise noted), the Title of the article or resource, the Source link where appropriate, and ©Godspacelight.com. Thank you!