guest post by Diane Gagné, originally translated from and posted in French here
I know nothing.
No, actually, I don’t know anything anymore.
Because for a long time, yes, I thought I knew. I thought I understood.
In fact, I was clinging desperately to knowledge… dressing up in knowledge like a costume. It was my greatest protection mechanism, my greatest bulwark against this world that frightened me so much.
Until EVERYTHING collapsed. All the psychological structure, all my certainties in what I believed was “me.” Seeking to understand what was happening, I did what I knew best: I read. I stuffed myself with new knowledge. Spiritual knowledge. I tried to understand the path on which I had just fallen despite me. I consulted, listened, followed training courses, met masters.
But at last, I lost interest too. Lost interest in explanations, recipes, lessons, and all those people (who are legion now), telling you how to be happy, how to breathe, to meditate. Explaining to you the effects of the next moon on your moods or telling you what realization or enlightenment is.
The thrill is gone…
So much, that I came to wonder why I kept doing the same.
Why would I continue to be « a Presence on your path to Realization »? Pure Consciousness of Being. Pffffff…
At one point, I realized how this is all so ridiculous! How I was a kind of impostor in that same illusionary «freak show». Yet, at the same time, I saw how perfectly correct all of this IS. How beautiful is this freak show…
Because between this and that, there’s the happy in-between.
When we think we understand, action emerges. It is born from this will; to share knowledge with others. But when we realize there’s nothing to understand, just simply be what we are, what brings one to act? To do?
Where is the middle ground between doing and being?
I fell in this kind of no man’s land for a while. I kept coming back to this NOTHING. This nothing I know, this nothing I am…
The will to share fell apart. For a while.
Continually reminding myself « I know NOTHING ».
I am. That’s it.
I sank deeper and deeper. And then… Life rushed again. More powerful than ever! And I realized… I am also Life! A peaceful form of life, sheltering enough love to embrace all the suffering of humanity. Probably because I’ve been through so much myself…
I don’t know.
But I know this: When I turned to my heart and felt so deep inside me all the welcoming capacity it contained, Life suddenly took me in its arms, kissed me, and pushed me gently on the back, whispering in my ear: « Go! Share! »
Since then, I share. Share a bit of what I am. Of what it is, in each wonderful moment of Life. It’s not much, but it’s something. It’s not more, but it’s not less than all the rest.
It’s joyful, it doesn’t take itself seriously and it loves life. So much!
And maybe « that », in a world filled with all sorts of illusory fears, is worth sharing? Perhaps just as much as all the great Advaita, Non-Dual, Zen, Buddhist, Christian teachings? Maybe as far as any of these modern spiritual amalgams abounding, it deserves to be expressed? Maybe, it’s important to remind that rather than finding explanations for the why of things, we can simply begin to accept, to welcome within us, and simply LOVE?
A bit more each day…
Love this world as it is. With all our great opinions and our great certainties.
As we are… With all our strengths but also all our weakness. With the doubts remaining and this uncertainty specific to Life.
Maybe I am enough « good » or « ready », to share the backstory which has been told for so many years? How this one ended, giving birth to this joy, living in me now and this love of Life carrying me and pushing me to share itself?
I profoundly feel I must keep faith that there are people out there, somewhere, who need to hear that Life is beautiful. That suffering should not be fought, any more than anything else. To hear that we have in our hearts a Love concealing a power allowing us to welcome EVERYTHING of Life.
I have no clear answer when a doubt emerges about that need to share. Just a profound momentum of Life to go on. I accept to not know with certainty, in this world where everyone seems to want to do the same as me as soon as they have touched their truth. Some might say « go on, it’s the continuation of your path ». But, if I could agree with this at the beginning 8 years ago, I don’t feel it this way anymore… I don’t feel that I’m walking a path, but rather that it’s the path that opens in front of me. More and more widely.
But it’s just a feeling, I know. For the rest… I don’t know… I know nothing at all! I simply live.
I’m returning to a kind of « oblivion », allowing me the wonderful peace to ask myself less and less questions and stay with the Silence. So, I’m just trying to live the life that was given to me as best as I can. With all the love of which I am capable.
No, really, I don’t know anything. So, I have nothing to teach. No certainty to bring. Just a Life to share, and so much love to welcome the Life that you are.
They say that knowledge liberates…
I think it’s Love.
Diane Gagné is an author and speaker. Her focus is a state of peace, deep bliss, and boundless love for the sacred meaning of Life. She doesn’t teach any particular tradition, although she was profoundly influenced by non-dual approaches and Christianity. A former lawyer of 25 years in the northern Canadian town of Rouyn-Noranda, Diane channels her deep life experiences on the roller coaster of the soul into the new Reality she has found. You can find her writings here, in her mother tongue as well as translated into English.
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